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LIFE September 12, 2017

Radical Self Love

I did something radical today.


I took off my clothes and took some pictures.

All the way around. Every angle. Photos of all the curvy, lumpy and dimply angles.

This was a harsh wake up call.

I knew I had lost the connection between myself and my body. I know that I avoid mirrors and pictures. I’m aware of the shame I feel when standing naked in the sight lines of my daughter. But I didn’t know how unhealthy I looked. That the battle I was having with my body wasn’t a secret. People know. They can see it.

I look like I gave up.

I struggle with these feelings about my body. I watch #bodypositive accounts with a great deal of awe and admiration. Women of all sizes have learned to love their bodies, EMBRACE their bodies, as is. They have made the decision not to hide. They show their bodies with pride, filter free and all.

Yet here I am hiding behind angles pointing up and a filter to make my skin look peachy and blemish free.

I want to love myself that way, and I do, to an extent. But if I showed myself more love, I wouldn’t be in this situation.

All I can do is speak for myself and speak my own truth.

I have every right to love the body I am in. I have every right to wear a swimsuit and dance in the beach. I have every right to be a sexual being. I have every right to wear lingerie and high heels. I have every right to do all of those things AS I AM.

And I have every right to do that without ridicule or judgement from others. Including myself.

However, the relationship I have with my body is disordered. Somewhere along the line I lost my connection with it. I used food and drink as refuge from feelings. I use fat to discourage advances. I feed my feelings when really I need to nourish my soul.

So, here I am. I’ve got a stack of “before” photos now. I promise myself that these aren’t going to be the photos I disparage or hate on when I’m looking back from a different vantage point. These will be the photos that remind me of the love I need to show myself, and my body. They are the photos of a woman who looks after her family but just needed to look after herself first.


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LIFE January 12, 2017

And Then She was 8

And then, she was 8.

I’m torn between bursting in pride with what a beautiful person she is turning into, and bursting into tears at how swiftly time is passing by.

Time passes quickly, doesn’t it?

This girl takes my breath away. She’s witty and sarcastic. Sensitive and sweet. Overly dramatic and very inquisitive. She is flawed, tempered and spirited – and it is there, within her little hints of imperfections and precarious ways, that lies the true beauty and miracle that is her.

I can see hints of a young woman peeking through despite her desire to play dolls and make believe. She talks about fairies with authority, Santa Claus with confidence, but questions the politics on the news hour with suspicion. Her eyes flicker with a knowledge beyond her years. Her sensitivity towards people, and kindness towards animals, suggests a grace about to flourish.

She is a good girl. A great kid. And she is mine, for now.

As time passes I can see that she is becoming a part of the world in her own right. As she steps into this role, I know that I’ll have to start taking a step back as mom.  It is the independence I am working to cultivate which will ultimately allow her to be all on her own. And that is the way it should be.

But not yet.

For now I snuggle her tight at night, hold her hand, and love her.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl.

LIFE October 13, 2016

Boozy Thanksgiving: Honey Crisp Apple Sangria

honey-crisp-apple

 

Thanksgiving is a bit of a sh*t show around here. There are lots of logistics and suitcases packed and unpacked and finally, when the last dish is tucked away, we need something boozy! The only requirements are that it be a proper cocktail, fit within the harvest theme and be really delicious.

I think I nailed it.

Honey Crisp Apple Sangria! It’s subtle, not too sweet, and just boozy enough to help take the edge off from your Trump lovin’ cousins.

Honey Crisp Apples are decadent in the Toronto area this year.  I’m sure you could get away with a Royal Gala, but that doesn’t sound quite as quaint, does it?

LIFE August 31, 2016

MILF LIFE CRISIS IN TORONTO

MILF Life Crisis

 

I was so lucky to attend the opening night of MILF Life Crisis at the Red Sand Castle Theatre on Queen East in Toronto.

AnneMarie Scheffler put on a one-woman comedy show about life after separation, all of the great stages of divorce, and then the fun (!?) part that follows – dating! The show was bite-sized at 1 hour and 15 minutes, and when it wrapped up I was surprised at how quickly the time went! If you’re looking for a cheap and cheerful show, with a fab lady who has some grit and impressive delivery of the F word – I say do it! Grab drinks with girlfriends

The show was bite-sized at 1 hour and 15 minutes, and when it wrapped up I was surprised at how quickly the time went! If you’re looking for a cheap and cheerful show, with a fab lady who has some grit and impressive delivery of the F word – I say do it! Grab drinks with girlfriends afterward – there will be LOTS to talk about.

Rated: Not for your pearl clutching girlfriends.

Future show listings available on the site.

LIFE August 7, 2016

FAT MOM

Donut

Photo Credit: dek-dokkhamtai/Shutterstock

Here’s the thing with being a fat mom raising a daughter, there is always the proverbial elephant in the room. What is going to cause the least amount of damage? What can I do to allow for her to live a life where her weight isn’t a preoccupation, a part-time fucking job?

LIFE July 8, 2016

YOGA FOR THE FIRST TIMER

qtq80-uRo2hqOne of my summer bucket list goals is to do yoga with the kiddo.

The last time I did yoga I was 10 years younger and a helluva lot more fit – anything I do needs to focus on the basics. Technique is everything.

LIFE July 7, 2016

This Is Not a Charity Event

COMMUNITYI’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of “charity events”. The one reason that I believe that our little lemonade stand  is supported so nicely by our community is because  we donate 100% of the profits to a local family who is having a hard time.

LIFE June 27, 2016

Our Summer Bucket List

OUR SUMMER BUCKET LIST

We’re two days out, folks.

Summer vacation means that we, the parents, are in charge of the kiddo’s daily programming. Some have camps to deal with, others have the cottage life, and  many of you carry on at your maximum and efficient pace!

LIFE June 16, 2016

The Ultimate Campfire Playlist

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I have fallen in love, many times, sitting by a campfire.

In love with the sky, the smell, the crackle. In love with the big stories and the marshmallow kisses. In love with the sense that we have all collectively taken pause in our lives to enjoy the spectacle around us.  The music makes us fall in love. The audio backdrop is the cherry on top of an already delicious night.